• Why doesn’t he love me?
• Why won’t he stop dating other women?
• He’s acting like we are in a relationship, but refuses to call me his girlfriend.
• Every time I ask him about our relationship status, he avoids me or gets angry.
• Why am I not good enough for him?

Seriously, those comments and questions are culled from recent dating advice emails I’ve received. They all sound pretty heartbreaking – and needy. Perhaps those who have written in will see them, and be able to see just how those words come across in print.. because surely the guys they are dating know it, or at the very least feel it.

But for those who still don’t understand why the dudes they’re hanging out with don’t want a relationship, maybe a poll will help. Why do you think men say they don’t want to be in a relationship? Feel free to choose more than one answer, or add your own thoughts in the comments.

<SCRIPT LANGUAGE= "javaScript" SRC="http://guidepolls.about.com/dating/3528010362/poll.js?linkback=“>

For those of you with whom a poll doesn’t help (and believe me, I get it!) here’s my answer to this tricky, sensitive reader question: Why Doesn’t He Want To Be My Boyfriend?

_{Related: When Not To Date, Will My Boyfriend Ever Commit?, Relationship Expectations.}

Related posts:

1. Why Doesn’t He Want To Be My Boyfriend? Ruby wrote me the other day asking me why the guy she’s been dating the...
2. My Boyfriend Doesn’t Care Dating Question X asks: “I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while now. Recently he told me...
3. My Boyfriend Doesn’t Care Dating Question X asks: “I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while now. Recently he told me...

From drugs that specifically target certain memories, to behavioral changes that help sufferers to cope with traumatic past experiences, to “disarmed” viruses that focus on derailing the neural networks holding negative associations, there’s a whole host of new procedures, experiments and treatments currently under review. But is it ethical, and if so, would people actually chose to erase their painful pasts?

For me personally, my memories are a huge part of who I am, and even if some are negative, I want to keep them. I’ve grown, learned and created so much during trying times, and that’s separate from the fact that I’ve written my best work about or during particularly challenging life events. It’s rarely easy, and I’ve definitely needed help to get through my difficult times, yet that doesn’t mean I’d change, erase, or otherwise alter them.

But, what about you? If you had the opportunity, would you choose to erase the memories of a difficult breakup, abusive relationship, or other negative dating experience that you’d rather not have experienced? Why or why not?

_{Related: Top Breakup Movies, Letting Go of a Long Term Partner, Breakup Stories, Feel Better After a Breakup.}

Source: Chant, I. (2012, March/April). Wiping the slate: Is playing with memory humane – or is it just plain wrong?. Psychology Today, 45(2), 14.

Related posts:

1. Would You Erase the Memories of a Painful Breakup? It sounds like something straight out of the Jim Carey movie, “Eternal Sunshine for the...
2. Bad Breakup Stories We’ve probably all had our fair share of bad breakup stories, but some stories seem...
3. What Breakup Songs Do You Like? I’ve found myself a tad brokenhearted of late. Whenever that happens, I usually crave hard-hitting,...

“I have a sensitive question regarding cell phone usage, as there are children in my home. Can a person get messages from one of these mobile dating things if someone doesn’t sign up/or leave that particular cell number? I had one from speak-live.com which transfers into a sex website (porn pics, etc.) and I never have been on one of these in my life! My boyfriend, on the other hand, has in the past. I am afraid my boyfriend is lying to me.”

My first reaction was to ask the reader for more information to clarify her situation. From what I can understand, her and her partner share a cell phone, and she’s getting text messages from an adult dating site, asking her to join, sign up, or visit. I’m answering the question with this assumption in mind, and hopefully I’ve heard her clearly.

Therefore, to answer: what you’ve received is most likely spam. A quick search for speak-live.com found that they’ve used several Florida-based Google Voice phone numbers to spam random cell numbers with the message, “Hi I put a pic on my page on speak-live.com just sign in and check it out ”. Could it have come from your boyfriend’s former adult dating site use? It’s possible, yet more likely that your cell number got thrown into some database somewhere (similar to emailed internet dating scams), and used as the spammer came across it.

I strongly suggest focusing on a solution to this issue, instead of thinking about what your boyfriend did in the past. In this case, that might include getting the speak-live.com number blocked, having a quick discussion with your partner to let him know what’s happened (and showing him this blog post), and finding the positives in the situation – such as you finding the text before the kids did.

So, dear readers, what do you think? Has your cell phone ever been spammed by an adult dating site, and you were unable to figure out how they got your number? What would you do if this was your cell phone?

_{Related: How Does Google Voice Work?, Dating Scam Reporting, Signs of a Dating Scam, Talking to Kids About Pornography, Talking To Kids About Sex.}

Related posts:

1. Reader Questions Whether Or She Can Work Through Her Fiancee’s Lying About Online Contact Heartbreak asks: “A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I got engaged. The past year...
2. Would You Check Your Partner’s Cell Phone To See If They’re Cheating? A small study from Revetro Gadgetology found that younger dating couples check their partner’s cellphones...
3. My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome Dating Question Peach asks: “The other night my boyfriend started joking around about having a threesome with...

For some folks, it’s a non-issue. I’ve talked to many who don’t see smoking marijuana as a problem, or who would rather date a person who already approves of their choice. In my neck of the woods, ‘420′ commonly appears in dating site profiles, and I’ve had quite a few folks tell me they’re uninterested in dating unless their potential partner is a pot smoker, activist, or at the very least, tolerant of it’s occasional use.

I’m not going to get into the ethics or legal aspects of marijuana use, as there are others with infinitely more expertise in the field than I. (See: What Does 420 Mean?, Why Marijuana is Illegal, and Marijuana Facts.) What I will say however is this: marijuana use, like smoking, drinking, religion, children, and politics, are all deal-breaking topics for many singles. Whether you live in an area where marijuana is legal or not, it’s eventually a discussion many of us will have at some point in time – again, depending on where you live, sometimes it’s a conversation that will occur more than others.

What do you think, dear readers? Is smoking marijuana a deal breaker for you? Do you mention anything 420-related in your online dating profile? Does it matter to you if your date is open to marijuana use, or dead set against it?

_{Related: Strange Love – Unusual Dating Sites, Marijuana Use and Teens.}

Related posts:

1. Do I Need To Tweak My Dating Profile To Meet Women? I had an interesting conversation with a man the other day, who asked me why...
2. Free Dating Profile Help It doesn’t take a lot of creative thinking to understand why January is the best...
3. Dating Profiles That Don’t Work I find most of my frustrations with online dating lie with people’s dating profiles. Most...

“What do you mean, are you on a date? Did he ask you?” I inquired back, matching her tone and volume.

I was met with silence for a few seconds, and then, was heard a puzzled, “I don’t know. Maybe? He asked if I wanted to go for a drink.”

The same week, I counseled a friend about what she thought was a dating relationship. She shared:

“We’ve talked every day since we met about two months ago, hang out at least once a week, been intimate, he even said ‘I love you’. Yet the other day, he told me we’re just friends? That if we were together, he would have used the word ‘date’ and taken me out to dinner or something.”

In both cases, my answer was the same: “I think you’re on something other than a date.” After the initial upset, I explained myself.

I define dating as intention, meaning, whatever the intention of the two parties involved, determines the labeling of the interaction.

So in the cases of these two ladies, you’d think the intention was there, correct? Unfortunately, no, because the intention was only clear to the women, and not to the people they were spending time with. If either of them had asked, “Is this a date?” they (hopefully) would have gotten an answer, and could have decided from there what they wanted to do next. Instead, they both chose to ask me, instead of the person they were sitting across the table from.

Now, I’m just as much a culprit here as anyone. I’ve lived both of these situations as well, and it’s infinitely easier to give advice than to put it into practice. Still, there comes a point when we all have to own our own stuff, and in doing so, choose love for ourselves over the fearfulness someone may respond in a less-than-desirable manner.

Therefore, if someone in a bar, on a dating site, or through friends asks you, “Want to hang out sometime?” or, “Can we go for a drink?” answer as you see appropriate, yet assume it’s as friends only. If you’re interested in more, playfully ask. “Are you asking me out on a date?”

What do you think, dear readers? How do you know if you’re on a first date or not? Do you find it difficult to ask if you are, and if so, why?

_{Related: Picking a First Date Location, My First Date, What To Do on a First Date.}

Related posts:

1. First Date Sex I was more than a bit surprised in 2007 when a study came across my...
2. Does He Like Me As a Friend, or More Dating Question Michelle asks: I met a guy at a bar about two weeks ago. We exchanged...
3. How Do Single Parents Date? In the dating forums, EAM_at_44 wants to know: “I am 44, divorced almost 2 years,...

By writing this content, I’m not saying I support cheaters. Let’s be clear: I don’t. But whether I support or condone websites that offer cheaters a means to and end, the fact is, these sites exist because there’s demand, and I get a lot of emails on the topic every month. Writing about it makes me curious… and if you look at the current poll results, you’ll understand why.

Poll: Would you feel a temptation to cheat if there was no way anyone would find out?

• Definitely
• Possibly
• Can’t Decide
• Not Likely
• Never
• View Results

So, would you cheat? Under what circumstances, if any? Have you before? If so, would you again?

Related posts:

1. Would You Cheat? For the past few days I’ve researched and wrote some content about Ashley Madison, the...
2. Would You Cheat? For the past few days I’ve researched and wrote some content about Ashley Madison, the...
3. Dating Interns Wanted If you’re a current undergraduate or graduate student looking for some experience writing about, or...

Read Full Post

Related posts:

1. The Disappearing Date – Or – Why Didn’t He Call Back? Have you ever had a date that was so fantastic, so perfect, that you were...
2. Dating Question – When Will He Call For A Second Date? A reader asks, “We had a great first date two weeks ago, but I haven’t...
3. The Disappearing Date We’ve all had it happen: you go out on a date with someone, things go...

Read Full Post

Related posts:

1. Would You Date a Guy In a Bromance? SpeedDate polled their users (of which 571 responded), asking the gents if they had a...
2. Do You Have One Who Got Away? The movie the Ghosts of Girlfriends Past has gotten me thinking – namely, about people...
3. My ‘Perfect Guy’ Wants Someone Else Dating Question Kristen asks: “For the past month I’ve been dating the perfect guy for me (who...

I’m hurt that he lied to me, and I’m confused about my role. Isn’t this moving backwards to a casual relationship? I really care about this man, but I’m so confused. Help?”

Well Lindsay, there are two ways to look at your situation. You can either consider your guy’s request for an open relationship (learning more about what it means, and whether or not its something you can do) or you can say its not something for you and go your separate ways. Of course, that’s easier said than done after a year or more of dating.

Let me first say that an open relationship is very different than polyamory. I realize that you haven’t mentioned this in your question, but bear with me for a second. Polyamory is the concept that we can love more than one person romantically, and at the same time. In my experience, most polyamorous relationships are open and everyone is aware of the other loves or partners, and there is a feeling of inclusiveness. Open relationships on the other hand can be polyamorous, but I find the term usually refers to more of a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ sort of policy, where both parties date other people with the other’s knowledge. Open relationships are just that – open – so each person can really do as they please without having to answer to anyone else.

Now, that’s just my interpretation. Surely other readers will chime in and share their thoughts. But what I will say is that in my experience, polyamory is focused on love and affection, whereas open relationships are more come what may type experiences. I’ve also found that folks in poly relationships seem to communicate at a much higher level with their partners (out of necessity) whereas people in open relationships don’t seem to share as much with regards to the status of where things are with other folks.

The reason why I’m sharing this information with you is because I want you to know you have more than just two choices: leave or stay. You can also negotiate with your partner to redefine what you have so that the relationship works for both of you. I can’t tell if you’re open to this type of situation, and frankly, it’s a difficult road for even the most stable of relationships. But it is an option, and one worth discussing when things have cooled down a bit.

For now, I’d suggest thinking about whether or not your guy’s actions are something you can forgive – or at the very least understand. I’m not condoning his behavior, because I don’t believe that lying is ever an answer. But I do believe that his actions have opened up a level of communication and honesty that the two of you probably haven’t shared before, and it might be an opportunity for growth for both of you. And since you wouldn’t be asking the question if you weren’t considering (even a little bit) his proposal, I have to assume you’re willing to negotiate. So with that in mind, I’d recommend first discussing with him the dishonesty aspect, and seeing if its a long term issue or a one-off event. Then I’d move into what you both see an open relationship as, what you need out of it, what can be negotiated and what are deal breakers.

I’d also recommend that you speak with a counselor about your feelings, independently of your partner, and take some time to look at what you need from a partner, and whether or not your guy can, or is willing to give that to you. Finally, I’d take some time to nurture and be gentle with yourself, and give yourself some space and time to think without too much pressure from anyone.

Related posts:

1. He Wants an Open Relationship Dating Question Lindsay asks, “My guy and I have been dating over a year. We’ve had our...
2. Dating Question About Flirting While In A Relationship Dawn asks, “What is your opinion on flirting with others when you’re in a relationship?...
3. Dating Question About Flirting While In A Relationship Dawn asks, “What is your opinion on flirting with others when you’re in a relationship?...

As a starter, I would suggest to EAM_at_44 to book a spot in speed dating event during her next scheduled bout time alone. This way she can meet a lot of people in a small amount of time, without having to weed through a larger number of potentially interesting people. (see: What Is Speed Dating, How To Speed Date and reviews of some of the major speed dating companies for more information).

I’d also recommend looking at dating a bit differently than you have up until now. From your post, I get the impression that you want a relationship NOW, and don’t have or want to spend the time to let something fully evolve into whatever it’s going to be. As a single parent myself, I understand completely. There’s only so much time in a day, and when you’re parenting full time and solo, it doesn’t leave a lot of time for your own personal, adult relationships.

So here’s what I suggest: think of this initial stage of dating as something fun and lighthearted. A chance to get to do the things you’ve always wanted to, but couldn’t, or a way to meet new folks where you *may* share interests, but likely won’t – and that’s okay. Because the kind of dating I’m suggesting isn’t putting out the intention of, “Don’t waste my time, I’m in it to win it!” but rather, “I’m happy with my life, and would love to share it with someone special. Is that you? Maybe, but let’s go do something fantastic that I’ve always wanted to try, and if you’re that person, great. If not, I thank you for the time you did invest in getting to know me, and best of luck.”

Hopefully, you can see the shift in what I’m saying. Instead of putting all this pressure on your date to be something or someone, instead, just get to know the person in a fun, interesting way, doing something you wanted to do anyway. If you enjoy their company, say so, and if you realize after one or two dates that it’s just not feeling the way you want it to, say that pleasantly as well. No harm, no foul, because you still checked off something from your bucket list AND met someone cool in the process. They might not be your mate, but they’re still a unique individual nonetheless.

What do you think? For those of you who are single parents and dating, I’d love it if you shared what has worked for you and your family.

_{Related: Single Parent Dating Sites, The Perks of Dating a Single Parent, Who Comes First, Your Kids or Your Partner?, Single Parent Dating Blogs, He Doesn’t Want Kids But I’m a Single Parent.}

Related posts:

1. How Do Single Parents Date? In the dating forums, EAM_at_44 wants to know: “I am 44, divorced almost 2 years,...
2. The Perks of Dating a Single Parent There’s a lot of information on the ‘net about how/when/if to date a single parent,...
3. He Doesn’t Want Kids But I’m A Single Parent Dating Question Ashley asks: “My boyfriend told me he never wanted kids. It wasn’t very surprising when...